Arrogance=good...

My physics prof last semester used to tell the class excitedly.. "if you figure out this physics problem. instant nobel prize!.. or if you can do that instant nobel prize!" kind of made me wonder.. I was also listening to a woman that did make a great medical discovery and she said "I was out to change the world and quite confident that I could do it." I never exactly valued "cockiness" or "believing in yourself" before but I am now beginning to think that it takes a certain degree of well placed cockiness to make these discoveries... this is interesting to me personally.. sometimes I feel I am quite confident.. and being quite confident and bold you often set yourself up for spectacular failure as well (so I often wonder if my boldness was/is misplaced..especially since I have failed spectacularly.. see www.godsromantic.blogspot.com..) but.. perhaps not...

I am beginning to think that beyond intelligence, psychologically it takes a lot of confidence and certain personality traits to sort of be willing to branch out and do things/dream things/think things that no one has ever thought before.. Also the idea that you don't deserve to win a nobel prize/be better than anybody else/guilt over success.. will kill you. You have to be comfortable, happy! and unapologetic about success.. which is something I struggle with.. Trying to stay at the same level as others is not a good idea I am thinking...

a better life

I don't know if you've ever heard it said about somebody "he needs a lot of structure, does better with a lot of structure.." Usually then people recommend the military for such people.. cause apparently it has a lot of structure.. People telling you what to do and when to do it!

Well I think I have discovered I need a lot of structure too.. I seem to languish where there isn't structure.. like when I'm on vacation.. I tend to get out of bed at noon.. (OVERwell rested.. which actually is the opposite of well rested because then you start feeling "guilty".. and just rather disappointed like "ohh that wasn't that fun.. plus I don't feel like I accomplished anything good either!" For me how I 'feel' is really important.. but there's also a part of me that wants to accomplish things.. rather like shopping.. I don't want to walk around all day and come how empty handed.. with nothing to show for it! Perhaps I want some accomplishment to commemorate each day of my life ?

In any case when there isn't structure, at the end of the day I don't usually end up too happy. In fact I end up very disappointed and frustrated..but mostly disappointed...I feel like I miss the joy of having accomplished something.. I feel like I have a great amount of cognitive dissonance in my mind or at least it seems so in a lot of respects. I am a very emotional person who seeks in some sense to escape pain and hard work even.. I am very sensitive and when I feel joy I feel it intensely.. when I feel pain I feel it intensely.. and so I really don't like to feel pain given that it's that intense/upleasant for me.... and yet... (I believe also because of my emotional intensity) I feel this enormous drive it feels like.... to accomplish something with my life and not waste it....

But yet the thing is that for me it takes a lot of 'pain' or difficult emotions to accomplish things.. and I was brought up with this idea that life should be easy and enjoyable (unless you're starving/poor etc.. which I never was... so hence sadness/pain/disappointment/frustration.. all those emotions were off limits for me) because my life was "good." And so it's like I feel guilty or very uncomfortable with feeling them. I try to avoid them so much (and have tried to all my life) but I feel like I am striving against myself, because there is a part of me that really WANTS to accomplish things and feels so held back by fear of pain/not wanting to do anything painful. It's like if you've ever heard that saying "no pain, no gain" I feel desperate for the gain, but I cannot seem to deal with experiencing pain so I can never get to the gain.

But anyway to get back to the idea of structure.. I've been thinking about how my life was last summer.. I got depressed because I wasn't working or studying and I was wondering why and how to prevent such an experience in the future.. and I came to the conclusion that the reason I got depressed is because I was sort of avoiding pain.. Like I would avoid getting out of bed in the morning thinking "well I don't have to go to school.. I'm on vacation so I shouldn't have to feel this pain/lousiness at getting up in the morning.." but then you know what ? It was like I'd be in MORE pain later because of it. Somehow I just could not connect the dots last year.

This year thinking about it, I have discovered that when I'm in school or in a structured environment.. I seem to derive a certain amount of "validation" for my pain/painful emotions. I'm timid and hesitant to experience pain when I get up in the morning.. but if somebody's "telling" me to get up in the morning and get to class.. I seems I'm less timid to experience that pain. It's like the person is telling me that that pain is ok to feel. It seems somehow for me that in a "structured" environment where I'm being "told" to do things, it's almost like someone is telling me that my pain is "ok," my sadness is "ok," my frustration is "ok" and so I don't feel guilty about feeling those feelings. I don't feel bad about that "part" of myself. And it's funny in an unstructured environment.. where I don't have someone telling me that those feelings are ok.. that I'm ok.. I feel like I try to avoid those feelings, I try to avoid myself and I feel awful.

To add to this.. there is also the fact that.. you know growing up for me I got the message that if you were a doctor or a lawyer or lived in a big house or a rich country life would be EASY. However I have discovered in the past few days that life is never EASY (perhaps it is for the easygoing... but hell if you don't have that temperament tough luck!), in fact it is HARDER sometimes if you are a hard worker and are in a prestigious position, life is HARDER for you. Perhaps we all buy into this "myth" to some extent.. the "happily ever after" myth.. Or perhaps it is not a myth, I am sure being in a "good" position life is better in some ways/you have some advantages, but it is not as perfect as people make it out to be. Mostly life will just be the same I think. I mean if you you think about it.. if you are an extremely hard worker and get up at 5:30am every morning to study and work till 11:30pm every night and basically are very productive, it doesn't matter what position you have or what kind of house you live in, your life is never going to be EASY. In fact it seems a no brainer that someone that has much less than you but isn't that productive..comes home and sits on the porch for a few hours every night is going to have a much easier.. and "better" life. I suppose this use of "better" then, having a "better" life.. I suppose this use of better does not mean "better" generally .. it's just like "better" in a particular way... whatever way you are chosing to define.. ( better comfort ? less pain ? more accomplishments ? more respect from people ? better relationships ? better health ? more easy ?) "Better" in one way does not necessarily mean better in another.... *big realization*

To end with my friend and I were just chatting and we came to the conclusion.. that it's not fair to look at someone's life and say, "their life is easy.." because truly we don't know how life feels for another person...

faith.. what was..

This morning I was thinking about what I used to call "faith" as a Christian..
I have been thinking for a longer time that it was funny as a Christian you have a funny idea of trust. In a normal relationship you would start out admitting to yourself that you are taking a risk.. and with a sense of vulnerability acknowledging that this person truly might not be "good to you" and might hurt you. This person might not be trustworthy. As they prove themselves and earn the trust little by little, you begin to feel more secure.. or more vulnerable as you feel compelled to share more of yourself. In terms of God however, Christians may say otherwise but in a sense it's like there is truly never any 'risk'.. in the relationship between you and God. Unlike other relationships you assume from the BEGINNING that God is good and trustworthy. Trust is never earned by God.. It is somehow just assumed ? as a gift you're able to magically give God.. and eventually it follows that the "faith" or "trust" consists of denying or feeling guilty about your feelings of vulnerability, your sense of "risk" that God may not be there. Because it is not a usual relationship where you take a leap and know you're taking a risk.. know in your heart that you truly may not be caught and suffer through the risk.. It's a relationship where you tell yourself from the beginning that there is no risk, you start out from a standpoint of denial, you assume there is already this great relationship, you start out with the idea telling yourself that you "know for sure" that this person, God by definition is "good." There is no growth to the relationship.. and any fear that God might not be there, you always suppress immeadiately. It truly seems to be putting the cart before the horse.

sensitivity

Today I was writing poetry and I was thinking about Marsha Linehan, the woman that invented DBT. The other day I was listening to an interview with her, which was altogether interesting and I was also thinking about myself, I've only been recognizing lately how amazingly emotional I am. I feel extremely empathetic with people, I think sometimes when I'm watching someone go through something I feel so sad, I probably feel nearly as sad as the person themselves. (Which is kind of funny when you think about it... if you have such an empathetic person around you.. I think it's almost like having someone that can literally get into your head and feel exactly your reality.. this person would be so amazingly close to you.) I am realizing lately.. which I could never realize in my native Trinidad, that this is an amazing gift. And I'm very gifted in this way. I've been watching people respond to it, and I've been watching some people notice it too.. The thing is this emotional sensitivity is like a colour you have to have the ability to percieve in a world where some people are born colourblind, it's like a very sensitive scale, you can only truly appreciate a scale that measures micrgrams if you have an understanding of what a milligram or a microgram is. But if you are longing for an artist who gets the particular shade of pink you want or a scale that can measure in micrograms you will be delighted when you find one. I was thinking today that the reason Marsha Linehan could understand borderline people and develop DBT is because she's able to percieve how emotional they are, she's able to see those colours or feel that emotional intensity to some extent herself. No one else could ever sort of make progress in the disorder before because they could not percieve that emotional intensity, it's like they were all colour blind to it perhaps.

It is indescribable.. It feels impossible almost to describe how emotional I am. (Most of the time I try to turn it off, pretend to be less emotional than I am.. because basically I think I am 10x more emotional than I was brought up believing a person could ever be).

softness

It is so hard to accept myself
To accept the softness
I've been alienated and torn from this person so many times
Told she is an imposter
This is the only way I can pierce the overwhelming swelling tide of emotion
Is to acknowledge you
To accept everything, the overwhelming brilliance and intensity of the world

I have to rebuild it seems
Everything, every part of you
From the bottom up, it was misconstructed the first time
It is very disappointing and sad

Yesterday I saw her
I was about to push her in the mud
Like they've always taught me to do
And I didn't, I pulled her up
I said "you're real, you're true, you're ok"
And I embraced her

When the day darkens
When the colours brighten
And the leaves take on a lumnious tint
And lighten the space you left behind
The light burns
The light burns badly
I see how long and deep
And jagged is the gapping hole
No hope can ever repair

I tried to anesthetize the pain
I tried to disguise the hole
As something other than a hole
But it was a pit I then feel into
When I thought it was something else

And I try to make the wound on me
Look like something other than a wound
I try to stem the flow of the sadness
But then this river just moves the whole island

And when I don't look out for it
The sadness poisons everything
The happy pictures I try to cover it with

resolution cry

Today I am thinking of the sunset in Santa Monica. When I got to LA last Saturday and put away my stuff, about the 2nd thing I did was go for a walk and end up sitting on a little bench over looking the beach as the sun set. I remember after months of darkness in Vancouver the sun felt sooo good. I am thinking about California and LA now that I am not there. I am remembering the people and the culture. I am remembering the somewhat laid back attitude towards life.. or maybe the slightly laid back manner.. It's interesting to contemplate the culture there in retrospect. And I can't help remembering the Malibu Vineyard which I visited the next day. That was quite an interesting experience for me. I can't help remembering the people I met there. I remember one guy had a sweet manner, he was telling me, "oh we have a bible study on Monday nights." Actually pretty much everyone was friendly.. I wasn't sure how to take that.. Even though I no longer believe in God, I found the sincerity of several of the people charming and somewhat touching. I was reminded of some of the things that had always attracted me to the Vineyard church and kept me stuck there..how closely our values (like sincerity, humility, vulnerability, honesty) seemed to align. Perhaps I was searching for authenticity..(I don't know), to verify that what I saw and believed in a few years ago really existed, to know that I hadn't been TOTALLY foolish to align myself with the Vineyard. I think I am satisfied because I kind of affirmed that.. and after all the tragedy I have been through in the last few years.. after not being able to get out of bed for a few years and my education being (in the toilet), nearly losing my sight and just the pain of thinking that everything about me was so wrong and so much my fault, I feel like perhaps I found a little piece of myself there.. a little piece that I had lost. And no the Vineyard is not totally right..maybe not even mostly right.. there's a lot of damaging ideas in there too..a lot of hurtful stuff. I observed that too last Sunday. It was rather painful for me to sit in this church and listen. I heard some stuff that I know had tripped me up badly, beliefs that had added to and created to a great extent the mess that my life was in (like "wait for God to work it out.. oh we are sinners"). It's hard to put into a few words what I felt and found there.. I think this song by Lifehouse (who started in that church.. then they were called "Blyss") says it best.


Revolution Cry

When passion takes on our purpose
When searching ones embrace the light
When skeptics find themselves down on their knees
You'll know it's here >>

I guess I would qualify as a skeptic now ;).. I know this song is praying for the "conversion" of people like me and by no means do I plan to convert! but maybe I will find myself on my knees.. in wonder at something one day..

When you hear a sound as loud as thunder
And you hear a cry that shakes the ground beneath you
When you hear a shout that shatters the darkness
You'll know it's here

When the lost find a name worth believing in
And the falling get back onto their feet
And the broken start to dream again
And the sound of hope fills these streets >>

I love the bridge for this song.. when I hear it.. it reminds me of how I used to dream and look at the world, it feels like so much me.. and yet in hearing it.. I remember the total resolution of all the ills and brokenness in the world I used to dream of. I feel good when I dream of the total resolution of brokenness and pain in the world.. but I know now it won't happen. This is one of the things that one has to content oneself with on deconversion.. the fact that there is no resolution. There will never be total resolution.. But at the same time I suppose.. maybe it is still worth working and trying for partial resolution.. I think this is the part I found that was missing..

You'll know it's here

Revolution - can you feel it?
Revolution cry
Revolution - can you hear it?
Revolution cry
And I believe it, and I believe it

How long do we have to wait?
And how long will we stay silent?
When will this weeping generation dance again?
Oh God when will the truth be restored?

When the lost find a name worth believing in
And the falling get back onto their feet
And the broken start to dream again
And the sound of hope fills these streets
You'll know it's here

Revolution - can you feel it?
Revolution cry
Revolution - can you hear it?
Revolution cry

Revolution - can you feel it?
Revolution cry
Revolution - can you hear it?
Revolution cry

You'll know it's here
Can you feel it?
Revolution - can you feel it?
Revolution cry
Revolution - can you hear it?
Revolution cry
And I believe it