block... hmm

I am volunteering for this event to try to attract women to study Physics. I was asked to write an intro for the website for the event which happens in January.

After reading all the other intros which were in 3rd person. Here is what I wrote after some contemplation...

Marisa is a third year Physics/Philosophy major who started out at studying Philosphy in Arts. She liked reading Physics books so she decided to take Physics 100 just for fun and was delighted that she could manage the problems. She loves going to the Physics colloquia and always thinks she's especially lucky to have Physicists chat about research with her. In Physics, she has met the kindest and most inspiring classmates and profs, many of whom went out of their way to help her. She often wonders about the Higgs field, inertia and telling spooky stories entirely in Math. In her spare time she likes cooking stir frys, taking pictures of the mountains and trees and going swing dancing.

I highlighted that line in small letters because when I read over what I wrote and compared it to the other intros I had been given I noticed something. I was a little startled. From reading what I wrote it seems like I don't consider myself a Physicist. Well I do but... (At least I thought I did before noticing this). But now it's obvious that I have some amount of me and them thing going on.

It's funny because I thought what I wrote was entirely cute and sweet (maybe even demure...) until I looked back at the other intros and they were all talking about, "I'm doing this, and researching this," and then I looked back at mine which says, "I'm so lucky to hear about what they're researching and what they're doing." 

I'm not doing any research so I can't lie in my intro and say that but it appears that I have a mental block. The thing is I remember I was helping someone with their research once and I was thinking, "they'll like this and they'll like that. They will like to see this and they will like to see that, that'll make sense to them." It was as if I was attempting to speak a language and speak it well but I didn't consider it my own. I've kind of noticed that I've had this block for a while (not in quite this specific a way), profs will say something, and I'll think, "oh they mean that for the really smart people, not for me." I have written off and ruled so much out this way it saddens me suddenly.